Anger

Hi there.

It's been a little while, but I'm back. Today, let's talk about ANGER. I have to write it in all caps because that's how it feels building up inside of me, every day.
I'm angry at my husband for either no reason at all, or for the stupidest reasons - just searching for a reason to start a fight and feed the angry beast that is me.
I'm angry at my family and friends for not understanding what I'm going through. Sometimes I'm angry at people for caring too little, other times for caring too much. Again, none of it is logical. All of it is just to feed the angry little gremlin inside of me.
I'm angry at my doctors (except one) for being less than helpful. This may be one of the only pieces of anger that I think is logically placed. That's a story for another time, but again my anger beast is seething.

It would be great if there was a way for me to channel this anger for good, or even just productivity. There's not. I'm on so many sedatives, I can't do anything except seethe and sleep. Not a winning combination.

When I'm not on sedatives, I go into panic overload. Don't worry, everyone has asked me if I think I can get by with no sedatives, less sedatives, etc. They want to help. They think they have the magic cure or mix of drugs to help fix all of my woes. They don't. I don't. So far, my doctors don't.

So, I sleep. I seethe. I become this mean weird, gremlin version of myself that doesn't care about anything that I used to.

I work day after day to find one shred of the old me. I struggle to find one thing I can have an iota of passion about.

But in the end.... I sleep.... and I'm angry... and I try to remember to drink tea... and to take my medicine.

And I leave you with cats.

Abby

Queen Marbles - Rules from her perch

Neville Bigbottom Sees You

Odie - Born Wise and Old

Brooklyn, the secret gremlin

Rough Day

Hello.

Today was a rough day. I had an appointment for a second opinion with a doctor in hopes of being able to get back on some anti-anxiety medicine.
Long story short, it was a waste of time. The doctor told me that my condition could last a year (which was the "good" news) and that there wasn't much else I can do in the mean time.

My options as I see them:
1. Continue for potentially a year or more with my extreme anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and being sedated to within an inch of my life.
or
2. Go back on the anxiety medication, but deal for a year or more with nausea and vomiting any time I eat or drink, dehydration, lack of appetite, etc.

Honestly, option 2 is my preference. I hate feeling like I've lost my mind. Not eating or drinking sucks, but it says something about how bad it's been lately that I'd rather live that way than live the way I am.

Really, though, neither option really is inspiring much hope in me right now.

The promised cats of the day:

Neville Bigbottom on high alert

Brookie the rare

Marbles sees everything 

Odie is sleepy, yet still cool

Peace out cub scouts,
Abby & the cats

Introductions!

Anxiety Chronicles Video 1

Hi.
My name is Abby.
I'm 29, married, and live in the Midwest.
I also have 4 cats (Rumor has it. Most of the time, you can only ever find three.) and I have severe anxiety.

Odie on the left, Marbles on the right

Neville Bigbottom

Rare: Brooklyn Sighting

Due to a long and tedious medical trial, that I won't go into at this time, I recently had to stop all of my anti-anxiety and anti-depression medicine cold turkey. If you have never dealt with anxiety or have never had this experience, let's just say... I would not recommend it.

Due to panic attacks so severe that I was harming myself, I had to quit my job. I have been put on sedatives that knock me out for more of the day than I am actually usually awake. This is the only way that I can get through until my doctors figure out a combination of medications that will work for me.

All of this is to say that I've had a lot of time to think lately and I have never felt more alone, in terms of someone to talk to.
I have my husband, who is probably the most supportive and amazing person I have ever met. But, he has never had anxiety. He does not understand the frustration I feel, or the crushing weight of feeling like I'm doing things wrong.

I have a therapist. She's pretty amazing, too. But, again - she's just a person I see once a week. She can give me advice, but she has not gone through these things herself.

I have a mom, who calls me every day and has talked me down from some pretty serious ledges. But unfortunately, anxiety seems to run in my family and my mom has her own to deal with.

I have a support system, but often their level of support is only able to take me so far. I started realizing that I want to talk about how I'm feeling with someone. I want to be able to express my feelings without stigma. All of these things are... hard to do. So, I decided to take it to the universe instead. Maybe somebody will read this and that's rad! Maybe you'll even understand or see that other people are here that feel the same. I'd love to be that level of connection for someone.

But the point is, I'm here to talk (and listen if needed) about the things that it seems so hard to talk about in person.

Abby & and her cats